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/u/[deleted]'s posts in /r/TwoSentenceComedy

In some states it is illegal to masturbate on a Sunday.

781 upvotes
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Someone just made me aware that I’m a Narcissist.

689 upvotes
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Today I tried something new and dipped my testicles in glitter.

668 upvotes
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I heard some girl died on the field of a baseball game...

583 upvotes
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If I ever meet Stevie Wonder, I'm going to whisper in his ear:

571 upvotes
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I bought my girlfriend a new dildo, and today I came home from work early and heard her in the bedroom moaning in pleasure.

554 upvotes
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I once was married to a pothole. NSFW

517 upvotes
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A cop pulls a man over for doing 120mph and says if can explain why he was going so fast, he might let him off with just a ticket.

516 upvotes
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My Girlfriend and I argued over whether it was pronounced "zebra" or "zeebra".

512 upvotes
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The say that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

500 upvotes
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